PTSD

PTSD, sometimes I think I'm done with it and then sometimes I'm just not. When I first began struggling with PTSD I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I would be in situations where I suddenly felt trapped, my head began to spin and then I couldn't breathe. I would shake and it would hurt to breathe deeply and it would last for seconds or minutes or hours. Typically if I could escape the room I was in or the situation I was in I was able to calm down with some space and some cold water on my face.

Sometimes the PTSD would come at night. I would wake up with sweat dripping down my body. For people who know me you know I don't sweat. I don't sweat when it's 100 degrees out with 99% humidity so waking up with sweat on my body could only mean one thing. After a cold shower I would typically be able to go back to sleep often unaware of what set it off.

As I've gotten older and more removed from my former life my PTSD has shown itself less and less frequently almost to the point where I tend to forget that I ever struggled with it. Last night Doug and I were both exhausted and ready turn in. We got in bed and Doug turned on some program on PBS about methamphetamine's. The show was interesting and so I began watching it. About twenty minutes into it I felt my chest get tight and it became difficult to breath. A familiar feeling but one that hadn't happened in a long time. I rolled over, Doug felt my rough breathing and quickly changed the channel willing me out of the direction I was heading in. It worked, the episode was short and eventually I fell into a peaceful sleep.

I continue to be grateful that my episodes are few and far between often short now but the fact that they happen at all are a constant reminder that its all still there, it was real, it happened and I lived through it all and yet I'm still here standing.

CASA Fairfax

Ever since I ran my first marathon I've never really had a desire to run shorter races. I love the challenge of a marathon and the distance and the endurance and the training that goes into it. I love everything about Marathons. The one race I run each year that's not a marathon is the Army Ten Miler (ATM) but it's typically structured around my marathon training plan and therefore I never really race it all out. Since the National Marathon I've been having fun experimenting with these shorter race distances.

The first one was the Parkway 10 miler which I already blogged about. Then, last Friday Doug and I ran a 5k on Friday after work. It was fun. It was Doug's first race and I was so excited for him and proud of him for running the whole thing. We ran together and I chatted away passing the miles, after we went and celebrated with the post race happy hour at Jaleo in Crystal City. The next morning I ran a 10k in Fairfax.

My friend Heather had sent me an email a few weeks before asking if I wanted to run this 10k because it was for a good cause (CASA Fairfax.) I looked at my calendar and said sure, why not. So I signed up. Still excited about my great 10 mile finish I was anxious to see how the 10k would go. Heather encouraged me to run all out so I started the run with her and then went on my way. At first there were a lot of girls in front of me but I just kept to my pace and picked them off one by one. It was a little difficult for me to gauge the course and how far we were because I was not at all familiar with the area and because of the hills I wasn't sure how much to leave in the tank. One by one I passed every girl I saw and suddenly there were no more girls around me to pass. I had about two miles to go so I just kept my head down and kept pushing it out. I crossed the finish line in just over 46 minutes. I paced a 7:27 mile and felt great. I even felt like I could have pushed a little more but I'm still learning about how to run these shorter races. Heather did great too pacing an 8:05 mile. We stayed for the awards and it turned out I placed 4th out of all the girls and 1st in my division. A nice gift certificate to sports authority was my prize. It was really fun to run well and finish fast and I'm looking forward to trying out an even faster pace in the months ahead.

Cloudy, cool and misty

Cloudy weather, cool temperatures and misty rain happen to be my perfect running combination. This past Sunday those exact conditions came together and I ran the best race of my life. Amanda, Nicole and I had signed up to run the Parkway 10 miler a few months ago as a fun race to do together. Well Nicole had to go and get pregnant (we're all excited to meet baby princess Nicole) so it didn't end up being the girls race we anticipated but Amanda and I trekked out to Mount Vernon first thing Sunday morning anyway. All week the weather predicted sun and high 70's. This would be a very bad combination for a non-sweating running such as myself. As luck would have it though we woke up Sunday morning to temperatures in the 50's and a thick cloud coverage. Perfect.

We stood in line to get on the bus to take us to Mount Vernon and nearly froze to death but that was okay. The bus was warm and when we got to Mount Vernon they had space blankets for us while we waited. We hit the porta potty line and then got some water and soon it was time to line up. Amanda and I usually start the race at the same point and then quickly go our separate ways. This race was no different. We got out on the open road and said our good luck's and split ways at that moment something happened. I just felt like it was going to be a good race. My ankle is better the weather was perfect and it was only 10 miles so I told myself to just let go and see how it went. I made it to mile 5 still feeling good and figured I should just keep going for it. I know this course well since it follows the trail so I also knew that there were plenty of hills left ahead of me. I tried to keep myself at a pace that felt good but that was still a push and in my head tried to calculate my mile pace (I really need a Garmin.)

I got to mile 8 and turned the corner into Old Town and onto a familiar street. I ran down by my parents house and saw the finish up ahead and just went for it. I crossed in 1 hour and 16 minutes. I paced a 7:38 mile for 10 straight miles. I was pleased. It felt so good to just run, really let loose and run and not have to factor in the sun or the heat. The misty in the air did a fabulous job of cooling me off and keeping my body temperature in check and the best part about the race, I grabbed a water bottle and headed up the hill the 7 blocks to my house. By the time Amanda walked in and showered I was dressed and there were egg and cheese sandwiches ready to eat. It was a great race. If only all races had such perfect weather. Now onto the next one!

I think I'll try defying gravity

We got tickets to see Wicked yesterday when it comes to DC this summer. I love Wicked. I was already in love with the music before I ever actually saw the show but once I saw it in London it quickly moved up on the list to one of my all time favorites. This morning I was inspired to listen to the music from Wicked on my way into work. I love the song defying gravity. It brings up a lot of thoughts and emotions when I hear this song but there's one memory in particular that I continually go back to.

When I was in college and struggling with a pretty sever eating disorder I had a very dear friend who would not leave me alone. As much as I tried to convince her I was fine and everything was okay she refused to take it at face value. She went to see a counselor on my behalf because she is that good of a friend and she asked the counselor how it was that I was still going. I remember he told her that what was happening in my body right now was similar to someone who is falling off a building. I was falling and falling and falling but I hadn't hit the hard ground yet. He assured her I would hit the hard ground, and of course I did. And it hurt.

I hear this song and I think of that analogy often. One can not defy gravity. It's not possible. As sure as the sun rises and sets, gravity exists. You may try to defy it, to trick it, to work around it but physics tells us that you will not win. Gravity will prevail and you will fall. I'm thankful that I'm no longer trying to defy gravity. I'm thankful that my feet are planted on solid ground and that I'm no longer free falling off a building but I'm also thankful for the fall. As hard as it was and as much as it hurt I'm thankful it happened because it has taught me so many things about who I am and how God made me. It taught me about friends and relationships and it forced me to pick myself up on my own and set boundaries and become my own person. The truth is I'm more afraid of falling now that I'm not trying to defy gravity than I ever was when I was.

The song goes on to say that they will never bring them down and unfortunately that is not true. I hope that I've learned my lesson about trying to defy gravity although I'm sure I haven't. I'm sure sometime in my life I will try to defy gravity once again and I hope I have a friend in my life who talks me out of it before I begin my free fall.

my poor feet

I'm in pain. Lots and lots of pain. Beyond the pain I'm just flat out frustrated. Starting in December I began having this nagging pain in my achilles. It started on my right foot and was a pain that was completely out of the blue. Thinking that it was probably a combination of spending all day the day before in new boots and the fact that I was in desperate need of new shoes I wasn't too concerned about it. Later that week I went to the store and bought new shoes. I bought the same shoes I have been running in for years just the new model. I wore them once. It was awful. The shoe completely bruised the bone on the side of my right foot. I knew I had to take them back but since I had never run in anything else I was at a loss as to what to buy. I asked the people at the local running store and they put me in another shoe. I took it home and started running in it. It seemed okay, not my favorite but fine. I went out for a 20 mile run two weeks ago and came back with two bruised baby toes on my right foot. At the same time my left achilles began acting up. I started switching off between my new shoes and my vibram five finger shoes hoping that a break from the everyday sneakers would help. It hasn't. Last week my ankle bone began to feel very tender and painful to the touch. Figuring that I bruised it somehow I didn't think much of it. After just an 11.5 mile run on Saturday my feet were shot. With 8 miles on Monday and 9 miles yesterday by the time I got home last night my feet hurt so badly it was all I could stand to walk to the fridge and get some ice and ice them down. Frustrated I went on-line and attempted to find my regular running shoe in an older model. Success. My new (old) shoes will be coming next week. Until then though I'm not sure what to do to take the pain away and make my feet better. My poor poor feet!

Marine Corps Marathon

Yesterday registration opened for the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM.) I love MCM! The thought of MCM of the training, the pre-race day, the time with friends and the run all bring a huge smile to my face. MCM is just one day but it feels like the bookends of my favorite time of the year. It starts with registration and ends at the Iwo Jima Memorial. This year, my cousin, my brother and my sister-in-law all registered as well. It'll be exciting to have so much of my family be a part of this year and I hope they love it as much as I do!

Meatballs & S'mores

Doug & I aren't big go out to dinner on Valentine's day people. Since the very first Valentine's we were dating we've had a tradition of staying in and cooking our own meals. Doug started this tradition by cooking for me the first year and the next year I cooked for him and on and on. So this year it was my turn to cook. I was feeling a little overwhelmed because Valentine's day fell on a Monday this year and I have class on Monday. I didn't want to ruin the tradition of making something special that night but I also didn't want to eat at 10pm. I felt stuck. Last week I had mentioned something to Doug about making meatballs soon and Doug's eyes lit up and with great enthusiasm he let me know that he'd like nothing else for Valentine's day except meatballs.

Well, that's easy enough I thought. The way we make meatballs in my family is we mix all the ingredients together, we brown the outside on the stove top and then we plop them in homemade marinara sauce and let them slow cook all day long. By the time they are done the whole house smells amazing and it's a mad dash to be the first person to get your hands on them. I figured meatballs would be perfect. I could make the marinara sauce on Sunday and mix the meatballs on Sunday and then Monday I could just get up early, brown the meatballs and they would be ready when class was over. I was feeling relieved but still also feeling guilty. Valentine's day is the day we usually try to make something out of the ordinary and while I don't cook meatballs all the time, I do cook them often enough that I wouldn't call them out of the ordinary. So I began looking for the perfect dessert recipe. After all, this recipe was going to have to carry the dinner. I searched and searched and suddenly I found it, the perfect Valentine's day dessert for Doug... s'mores pie!

Maybe you have to know Doug to understand his deep love for marshmallows and s'mores. A few years back when Doug bought me my fire pit as a gift for running the Marine Corps Marathon I knew all along that it was secretly also for him so he could eat more s'mores. Doug also loves pie. I'm not a huge pie fan so I rarely make it but this was his dessert and I wanted it to be special so I set off to make it. It was a lot of steps, graham cracker crust, dark chocolate filling and homemade marshmallow - yeah, that was an experiment that turned into a mess. But overall the pie was a huge success. Doug loved it and I honestly can say it tasted very much like a s'more. I have a feeling this is going to become a regular request in our house.