PTSD

PTSD, sometimes I think I'm done with it and then sometimes I'm just not. When I first began struggling with PTSD I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I would be in situations where I suddenly felt trapped, my head began to spin and then I couldn't breathe. I would shake and it would hurt to breathe deeply and it would last for seconds or minutes or hours. Typically if I could escape the room I was in or the situation I was in I was able to calm down with some space and some cold water on my face.

Sometimes the PTSD would come at night. I would wake up with sweat dripping down my body. For people who know me you know I don't sweat. I don't sweat when it's 100 degrees out with 99% humidity so waking up with sweat on my body could only mean one thing. After a cold shower I would typically be able to go back to sleep often unaware of what set it off.

As I've gotten older and more removed from my former life my PTSD has shown itself less and less frequently almost to the point where I tend to forget that I ever struggled with it. Last night Doug and I were both exhausted and ready turn in. We got in bed and Doug turned on some program on PBS about methamphetamine's. The show was interesting and so I began watching it. About twenty minutes into it I felt my chest get tight and it became difficult to breath. A familiar feeling but one that hadn't happened in a long time. I rolled over, Doug felt my rough breathing and quickly changed the channel willing me out of the direction I was heading in. It worked, the episode was short and eventually I fell into a peaceful sleep.

I continue to be grateful that my episodes are few and far between often short now but the fact that they happen at all are a constant reminder that its all still there, it was real, it happened and I lived through it all and yet I'm still here standing.

CASA Fairfax

Ever since I ran my first marathon I've never really had a desire to run shorter races. I love the challenge of a marathon and the distance and the endurance and the training that goes into it. I love everything about Marathons. The one race I run each year that's not a marathon is the Army Ten Miler (ATM) but it's typically structured around my marathon training plan and therefore I never really race it all out. Since the National Marathon I've been having fun experimenting with these shorter race distances.

The first one was the Parkway 10 miler which I already blogged about. Then, last Friday Doug and I ran a 5k on Friday after work. It was fun. It was Doug's first race and I was so excited for him and proud of him for running the whole thing. We ran together and I chatted away passing the miles, after we went and celebrated with the post race happy hour at Jaleo in Crystal City. The next morning I ran a 10k in Fairfax.

My friend Heather had sent me an email a few weeks before asking if I wanted to run this 10k because it was for a good cause (CASA Fairfax.) I looked at my calendar and said sure, why not. So I signed up. Still excited about my great 10 mile finish I was anxious to see how the 10k would go. Heather encouraged me to run all out so I started the run with her and then went on my way. At first there were a lot of girls in front of me but I just kept to my pace and picked them off one by one. It was a little difficult for me to gauge the course and how far we were because I was not at all familiar with the area and because of the hills I wasn't sure how much to leave in the tank. One by one I passed every girl I saw and suddenly there were no more girls around me to pass. I had about two miles to go so I just kept my head down and kept pushing it out. I crossed the finish line in just over 46 minutes. I paced a 7:27 mile and felt great. I even felt like I could have pushed a little more but I'm still learning about how to run these shorter races. Heather did great too pacing an 8:05 mile. We stayed for the awards and it turned out I placed 4th out of all the girls and 1st in my division. A nice gift certificate to sports authority was my prize. It was really fun to run well and finish fast and I'm looking forward to trying out an even faster pace in the months ahead.

Cloudy, cool and misty

Cloudy weather, cool temperatures and misty rain happen to be my perfect running combination. This past Sunday those exact conditions came together and I ran the best race of my life. Amanda, Nicole and I had signed up to run the Parkway 10 miler a few months ago as a fun race to do together. Well Nicole had to go and get pregnant (we're all excited to meet baby princess Nicole) so it didn't end up being the girls race we anticipated but Amanda and I trekked out to Mount Vernon first thing Sunday morning anyway. All week the weather predicted sun and high 70's. This would be a very bad combination for a non-sweating running such as myself. As luck would have it though we woke up Sunday morning to temperatures in the 50's and a thick cloud coverage. Perfect.

We stood in line to get on the bus to take us to Mount Vernon and nearly froze to death but that was okay. The bus was warm and when we got to Mount Vernon they had space blankets for us while we waited. We hit the porta potty line and then got some water and soon it was time to line up. Amanda and I usually start the race at the same point and then quickly go our separate ways. This race was no different. We got out on the open road and said our good luck's and split ways at that moment something happened. I just felt like it was going to be a good race. My ankle is better the weather was perfect and it was only 10 miles so I told myself to just let go and see how it went. I made it to mile 5 still feeling good and figured I should just keep going for it. I know this course well since it follows the trail so I also knew that there were plenty of hills left ahead of me. I tried to keep myself at a pace that felt good but that was still a push and in my head tried to calculate my mile pace (I really need a Garmin.)

I got to mile 8 and turned the corner into Old Town and onto a familiar street. I ran down by my parents house and saw the finish up ahead and just went for it. I crossed in 1 hour and 16 minutes. I paced a 7:38 mile for 10 straight miles. I was pleased. It felt so good to just run, really let loose and run and not have to factor in the sun or the heat. The misty in the air did a fabulous job of cooling me off and keeping my body temperature in check and the best part about the race, I grabbed a water bottle and headed up the hill the 7 blocks to my house. By the time Amanda walked in and showered I was dressed and there were egg and cheese sandwiches ready to eat. It was a great race. If only all races had such perfect weather. Now onto the next one!

I think I'll try defying gravity

We got tickets to see Wicked yesterday when it comes to DC this summer. I love Wicked. I was already in love with the music before I ever actually saw the show but once I saw it in London it quickly moved up on the list to one of my all time favorites. This morning I was inspired to listen to the music from Wicked on my way into work. I love the song defying gravity. It brings up a lot of thoughts and emotions when I hear this song but there's one memory in particular that I continually go back to.

When I was in college and struggling with a pretty sever eating disorder I had a very dear friend who would not leave me alone. As much as I tried to convince her I was fine and everything was okay she refused to take it at face value. She went to see a counselor on my behalf because she is that good of a friend and she asked the counselor how it was that I was still going. I remember he told her that what was happening in my body right now was similar to someone who is falling off a building. I was falling and falling and falling but I hadn't hit the hard ground yet. He assured her I would hit the hard ground, and of course I did. And it hurt.

I hear this song and I think of that analogy often. One can not defy gravity. It's not possible. As sure as the sun rises and sets, gravity exists. You may try to defy it, to trick it, to work around it but physics tells us that you will not win. Gravity will prevail and you will fall. I'm thankful that I'm no longer trying to defy gravity. I'm thankful that my feet are planted on solid ground and that I'm no longer free falling off a building but I'm also thankful for the fall. As hard as it was and as much as it hurt I'm thankful it happened because it has taught me so many things about who I am and how God made me. It taught me about friends and relationships and it forced me to pick myself up on my own and set boundaries and become my own person. The truth is I'm more afraid of falling now that I'm not trying to defy gravity than I ever was when I was.

The song goes on to say that they will never bring them down and unfortunately that is not true. I hope that I've learned my lesson about trying to defy gravity although I'm sure I haven't. I'm sure sometime in my life I will try to defy gravity once again and I hope I have a friend in my life who talks me out of it before I begin my free fall.

my poor feet

I'm in pain. Lots and lots of pain. Beyond the pain I'm just flat out frustrated. Starting in December I began having this nagging pain in my achilles. It started on my right foot and was a pain that was completely out of the blue. Thinking that it was probably a combination of spending all day the day before in new boots and the fact that I was in desperate need of new shoes I wasn't too concerned about it. Later that week I went to the store and bought new shoes. I bought the same shoes I have been running in for years just the new model. I wore them once. It was awful. The shoe completely bruised the bone on the side of my right foot. I knew I had to take them back but since I had never run in anything else I was at a loss as to what to buy. I asked the people at the local running store and they put me in another shoe. I took it home and started running in it. It seemed okay, not my favorite but fine. I went out for a 20 mile run two weeks ago and came back with two bruised baby toes on my right foot. At the same time my left achilles began acting up. I started switching off between my new shoes and my vibram five finger shoes hoping that a break from the everyday sneakers would help. It hasn't. Last week my ankle bone began to feel very tender and painful to the touch. Figuring that I bruised it somehow I didn't think much of it. After just an 11.5 mile run on Saturday my feet were shot. With 8 miles on Monday and 9 miles yesterday by the time I got home last night my feet hurt so badly it was all I could stand to walk to the fridge and get some ice and ice them down. Frustrated I went on-line and attempted to find my regular running shoe in an older model. Success. My new (old) shoes will be coming next week. Until then though I'm not sure what to do to take the pain away and make my feet better. My poor poor feet!

Marine Corps Marathon

Yesterday registration opened for the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM.) I love MCM! The thought of MCM of the training, the pre-race day, the time with friends and the run all bring a huge smile to my face. MCM is just one day but it feels like the bookends of my favorite time of the year. It starts with registration and ends at the Iwo Jima Memorial. This year, my cousin, my brother and my sister-in-law all registered as well. It'll be exciting to have so much of my family be a part of this year and I hope they love it as much as I do!

Meatballs & S'mores

Doug & I aren't big go out to dinner on Valentine's day people. Since the very first Valentine's we were dating we've had a tradition of staying in and cooking our own meals. Doug started this tradition by cooking for me the first year and the next year I cooked for him and on and on. So this year it was my turn to cook. I was feeling a little overwhelmed because Valentine's day fell on a Monday this year and I have class on Monday. I didn't want to ruin the tradition of making something special that night but I also didn't want to eat at 10pm. I felt stuck. Last week I had mentioned something to Doug about making meatballs soon and Doug's eyes lit up and with great enthusiasm he let me know that he'd like nothing else for Valentine's day except meatballs.

Well, that's easy enough I thought. The way we make meatballs in my family is we mix all the ingredients together, we brown the outside on the stove top and then we plop them in homemade marinara sauce and let them slow cook all day long. By the time they are done the whole house smells amazing and it's a mad dash to be the first person to get your hands on them. I figured meatballs would be perfect. I could make the marinara sauce on Sunday and mix the meatballs on Sunday and then Monday I could just get up early, brown the meatballs and they would be ready when class was over. I was feeling relieved but still also feeling guilty. Valentine's day is the day we usually try to make something out of the ordinary and while I don't cook meatballs all the time, I do cook them often enough that I wouldn't call them out of the ordinary. So I began looking for the perfect dessert recipe. After all, this recipe was going to have to carry the dinner. I searched and searched and suddenly I found it, the perfect Valentine's day dessert for Doug... s'mores pie!

Maybe you have to know Doug to understand his deep love for marshmallows and s'mores. A few years back when Doug bought me my fire pit as a gift for running the Marine Corps Marathon I knew all along that it was secretly also for him so he could eat more s'mores. Doug also loves pie. I'm not a huge pie fan so I rarely make it but this was his dessert and I wanted it to be special so I set off to make it. It was a lot of steps, graham cracker crust, dark chocolate filling and homemade marshmallow - yeah, that was an experiment that turned into a mess. But overall the pie was a huge success. Doug loved it and I honestly can say it tasted very much like a s'more. I have a feeling this is going to become a regular request in our house.

Freak Shoes

Yesterday I completed my first regular outdoor run in my Vibram FiveFinger shoes. I purchased them at the beginning of January and had been contemplating purchasing them since the middle of last year. The shoes look funny, I'm not going to lie and what's even worse than how they look is how childish you feel trying to put them on for the first time. It's harder than it looks trust me.

I had read a lot about these FiveFinger shoes starting sometime last July or so. I love to run barefoot. I grew up being barefoot and to this day putting shoes on is the worst part of getting dressed. I just love the feeling of my feet being free. As I read more the theory behind what Vibram's are and how they work became very intriguing to me. The thought process behind who they were and why they felt their shoe worked just made sense to me. I believe that God created your body go function perfectly all on its own so the theory that regular running shoes takes God's perfection and changes the dynamic of it was a logical reason as far as I was concerned as to why injuries occur.

As someone who hadn't ever really been injured I didn't have a compelling reason to buy the shoes outside of sheer curiosity. At the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) last year, I talked to every person I saw cross the finish line in them about what they liked about them. Each person had their own unique life changing story. I became more and more convinced I needed to buy a pair and finally in January I did.

I did a lot of research before I purchased them, talked to a lot of people and took my time trying them on. I learned through my conversations that my calves would be worked in a way they hadn't in years and to not expect to run more than a mile or two the first few times out. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that this couldn't be true, I mean I run marathons, how could I have trouble running a mile or two? And then I ran my first mile in them. I was exhausted and my calves were burning. What a big difference.

When I first started running in them, I started slow, on the treadmill and I sounded like an elephant running. My feet pounded down and the sound bounced from the walls of the gym. It was as if I was telling everyone in the gym to look at me and my "freak shoes" as my friend nicknamed them. I kept at it though because I had been told that once I got used to them everything would change, my stride, my speed, my muscles. So I kept at it. A little at a time each week. Finally yesterday I went out and did I normal 6 mile run in them. When I finished my legs were dead tired as if they had just run 16 miles and not 6. But it was that good tired, the tired you get when you know you just worked your muscles out really hard. I have had no pain in my heels since I started running in them and I can already feel a difference in my stride both in them and when I change over to my brooks.

I'm still a newbie. I don't have any life changing stories to go along with them yet but I will say so far, I'm sold. I'll keep you all updated on it though.

Life's a funny thing and you can't bring yourself to face it if you want to

The title of this post come from the lyrics of the Stroke 9 song California. I love this song.

I was standing in the shower the other day, water running down my face, I closed my eyes and this flash of memories came over me. I felt my chest get tight in a way it hasn't in a long time. Not so many years ago this was a normal everyday occurrence in my world. My life was so different then than it is now. My mind was constantly turning, over and over and over again. Thoughts, memories, moments all there haunting me each day. My phone would ring and I would have to pick it up. If the person calling didn't leave a message I would begin to hyperventilate while calling back, sure there was an emergency that I had to attend to. Oh life, it's funny that way.

I often ignore phone calls these days, I leave messages on my phone for weeks before checking them. No one is dying and my life is simple. PTSD is a thing of the past and sometimes I can even bring myself to watch movies or shows involving drugs and suicide without needing to leave the room and run cold water over me. The reality of my life is just so different than it once was and yet it's still my life. It's these things that have made me into the person that I am and yet most people in my life today don't know anything about that life.

I sometimes feel as though I'm two people, the me who was before and the me who is now and I don't think I do a good job of reconciling the two. I keep the two very separate. Maybe everyone does. Maybe it's an extension of survival mode, when it's all over and you've finally healed maybe it all just fades away. Maybe, but then in those moments in the shower it's like it's all still there. Ready to haunt me at a moments notice. To permanently forget those things would be to lose the person I've become since these are the things that shaped me but to keep them so close is to hurt all over again. Where's the balance? How do you know when you've found it? Thoughts?

I'll see you on the way down
Life's a funny thing and you can't bring yourself to face it if you want to
Now I shake here
For your sake dear
-California, Stroke 9-

Friday's Shopping List

Shopping List:

- ravioli or tortellini
- carrotts
- 1 russet or other firm potato
- 1 butternut squash
- lemons
- parsley
- rolls
- penne
- goat cheese
- romaine
- dried cranberries
- walnuts
- stuffed chicken (trader joes has awesome stuffed chicken's - I prefer the one stuffed with feta & olives but the cranberry & stuffing one is delicous too)
- brown rice
- frozen veggies of your choice
- marinara sauce (I prefer homemade and am happy to send a recipe otherwise pick up a good one that you like.)
- sharp cheese
- cucumber
- tomatoes (grape)
- white fish (haddock, cod or sole will work)
- small onion
- garlic

Meals:

Meal 1: ravioli & marinara sauce with salad
this should be pretty self explanatory on the ravioli & marinara sauce. For the salad I would use about half the romaine lettuce you bought, cut up the cucumber, and tomatoes and add some sharp cheese for contrast.

Meal 2: Roasted Vegetables with white fish & rolls
Peel and cut about half the butternut squash into bite size pieces and put them in a bowl. Add some bite size pieces of carrotts and potato. (2 carrotts, 1 potato) toss with some spices, anything you want, salt & pepper and oil and spread out on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for about 35 - 40 minutes. Stir after about 20. In the meantime in a pan on the stove melt some butter until amost brown. Add some garlic and salt and pepper your fish and roll it in a little bit of flour. Place in the pan and cook for about 3 minutes. Flip the fish over and squeeze one lemon over the top. Add some zest of the lemon if you want. Sprinkle with parsley, cover and cook until cooked through (depending on the tickness maybe another 3 -5 minutes.) Serve with a roll

Meal 3: Penne with butternut squash & goat cheese
Take the other half of the butternut squash and peel it and cut it into bite size pieces. Take about half of a small onion and chop it up finely and toss with squash, oil, salt and pepper. Spread on a baking sheet and roast at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. In the meantime, cook penne according to the directions when finished drain keeping some of the cooking water. add some goat cheese and toss until coated (keep adding goat cheese if needed and if too thick thin out with the cooking water.) Add the butternut squash mixture and toss. Serve with a roll

Meal 4: Cranberry & Walnut Salad
Take the other half of the romaine lettuce. Wash, rinse and break into bite size pieces and put in a bowl. Add dried cranberries, walnuts and goat cheese. Toss with olive oil and balsamic vinegar to taste.

Meal 5: Chicken w/rice and fozen vegetables
Cook the chicken according to the directions. Meanwhile cook the rice and boil frozen vegetables and toss with butter and salt and pepper.

Have a great week everyone!

Winter blues

I hate the winter. I honestly can say I find nothing redeeming about the winter at all. It's cold, it's windy, it's wet, it's dark and the snow and ice makes running outside sometimes next to impossible. I've been feeling pretty down the last couple of weeks. I have been having some heel issues when I run which is adding to the depression that I feel about the winter time. Really the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane is cooking.

In the summer it's so sunny and warm outside that I tend to shy away from being in the kitchen for long periods of time. I want to be out back reading a book with some sangria not standing over a hot oven. In the winter however, the idea of standing over a hot oven in my sweats with a full glass of red wine sounds like the perfect place to be. I often am most creative in the winter time as far as cooking goes. I find in order to cook with foods that are in season you have to be. Lots of root vegetables and meats and pasta recipes and don't forget the fish.

I love fish, white fish especially but really all kinds of fish. Last night for dinner I made almond crusted sole with a lemon cream sauce. It was an experiment and it came out great. We had a lovely sauvignon blanc with it and some cous cous and carrots boiled in honey. Eating sinfully delicious dinners often make dark depressing winter nights just that much more enjoyable.

Here's hoping the snow melts enough that I can get out for a good run this weekend. It's supposed to be sunny and 45 and right now, that's enough to cheer me up!

Early Registration

It's beautiful outside today. It's in the 50's with hardly a cloud in the sky. Hard to believe just yesterday it was an icy mess out there. This morning I met H for our Wednesday run and we both commented to each other how "warm" it was outside. Yes, we are crazy 37 degrees felt warm in comparison to the 20 something degree weather we have been running in. We had a lovely 7 mile run and when I got back to my house I wasn't ready to go inside. I stayed out front and stretched for awhile. Wasting away the precious morning minutes just thankful to be outside and not shivering.

Every once in awhile I need days like this to give me a little boost. I've been feeling down about my running lately. I've been battling some minor injuries which has been frustrating. It's been bitter cold outside which has been miserable and I was supposed to run my next marathon in Barcelona Spain but due to some changing circumstances that won't be happening anymore. My next marathon will be the National marathon right here in DC at the end of March. There's nothing wrong with the National marathon, I actually had a good race the last time I ran it but honestly I only signed up for it as a back up. Barcelona was supposed to be my spring marathon. The marathon that I would look forward to that would help motivate me through each long freezing run. To be fair, there's not much motivation when all I have to look forward to is running around DC in March before the Cherry Blossoms start to bloom.

But then something exciting happened, I noticed on twitter that early entry started for the Marine Corps Marathon today. I won't be eligible for early entry until next year but just knowing that the real entry is around the corner is enough to put a huge smile on my face. In case you don't know the Marine Corps Marathon is one of the highlights of my year. It is hands down my favorite race. It's not just the race itself, although the race is amazing, it's everything about the race. It's the warm summer long runs, it's the many chats with my other running friends comparing our runs, finding that camaraderie of being in this together, it's the anticipation of the annual pasta party I throw every year, it's the expo, it's meeting up with friends at the top of the metro in Rosslyn and walking down that hill to the start line and then it all culminates on the top of the hill in front of the Iwo Jima memorial and it is amazing. MCM is a good ten months away which is a long time but when I think about only waiting one more month for registration to open it makes MCM feel like it's just around the corner. Once registration happens, I know the start of spring isn't very far behind and that gives me some motivation.

Friday's Shopping List

Here is this week's shopping list. Brrrr it's cold outside - get ready for chili! :)

Grocery list:

linguini (1 lb - although you'll only need 1/2 a pound for the recipe)
bag of frozen shrimp (uncooked, devined, tail off)
garlic
lemons (2 should be fine)
parsley
1 or 2 yukon gold potatoes
bag of frozen corn
bag of frozen peas
cucumber (1 or 2)
container of grape tomatoes
feta cheese
eggs
butter
3 (14 oz) cans of red kidney beans
3 (14 oz) cans of stewed tomatoes (original recipe)
1 large can of tomato puree
paprika
shredded sharp cheese
scallions
green pepper
sour cream
1 lb ground beef (you want 15% fat)
1 or 2 filets of sole
romaine
rolls/corn bread
frozen stir fry (trader joes has great stir fry's in the frozen section that are perfect for a quick meal)
rice

Meals:

Meal 1: Shrimp Scampi w/salad and bread

Cook linguini according to directions. Set aside. Meanwhile melt 4 tablespoons of butter with 2 tablespoons of olive oil; when foam subsides, add 3 minced cloves of garlic and cook until golden but don't let garlic brown. Add about 1/2 pound of shrimp and some salt, cook for a few minutes, turning shrimp once until just pink. Add 2 tablespons of Italian parsley and 1 tablespoon (or a little more) lemon juice and cook for another minute. Add linguini to pan and stir. Serve with a salad of romaine, topped with walnuts, cranberries and cheese.

Meal 2: Filet of sole with mashed potatoes & mixed veggies

make mashed potatoes (if you need some help with this send me a note and I'll let you know my tips.) Leave potatoes covered in dish and set aside (they will stay warm while you make the veggies and sole.) In a large pan melt some butter over medium heat until it about covers the bottom of the pan. You want your butter to be hot almost to the point of turning brown. Meanwhile, take the sole filet and cover it with flour and salt and pepper. Put sole in pan with melted butter and cook for about 3 minutes. Flip the sole and squeeze the juice of one lemon over the sole. Sprinkle with parsley. Cook another 3 minutes or so until cooked through.

In a small pan add equal parts frozen corn and frozen peas. Add 3 or 4 tablespoons of butter. Add salt, pepper, old bay (if you want) maybe some worcester sauce (if you want) or any other seasoning. Cover and let cook until veggies are soft.

Serve sole over potatoes with veggies on the side

3. Jenn Salad - Doug named this a Jenn salad because it's kind of like a greek salad but with my own twist

hard boil one or two eggs. Peel and seed cucumbers, chop and put in a bowl. Slice tomatoes in half and add to bowl. Add scallions, hard boiled egg a little green pepper, kalmata olives if you have them and cover with feta. Toss with a balsamic based Italian dressing.

4. Stir Fry

cook your own rice according to directions (I don't like the instant rice.) In the meantime prepare stir fry according to directions. Enjoy :)

5. Mama Procopio's chili - I'm going to say this is the best chili but it's also what I grew up with. I'm assuming you have slow cooker which is how this recipe is made but if you do not you could also cook this over the stove top for a few hours which isn't as convenient but it would work in a pinch.

Brown the ground beef. Drain the fat. Put in the crock pot. Add the 3 cans of kidney beans (drained and rinsed), 3 cans of stewed tomatoes, 1 can of tomato puree. Season to taste with salt, pepper and paprika. Cover and cook on low for 6 hours in the crock pot.

Top with shredded cheese, sliced scallions or chopped onions, chopped green peppers and sour cream. Serve with bread.

Fasting and expectations

Our church is currently in the middle of a 21 day fast. It started on Monday so I guess middle is exaggerating just a bit but hey, I'm Italian, it happens. Anyway there are some people that are doing a real food fast where they are only drinking liquids. Some are doing the Daniel fast and others are just fasting something in their life that is a distraction.

I have never fasted before. First of all anyone who knows me knows I have incredibly low blood sugar and for the sake of everyone around it me it's better if I eat on schedule. Second, as someone who has struggled with eating disorders for the majority of my life, fasting has never seemed like the best idea for me. But, when our pastor began talking about fasting something that is a distraction in your life I thought that was something I could do. Similar to giving something up for lent in that it's a sacrifice but different in that the challenge was to use that time of fasting to really grow closer to God.

I contemplated most of the day on Sunday what it was that I could or should fast. I asked God to make it clear if there was something in my life that I really needed to give up. Sure I could give up facebook or twitter but I didn't really feel like giving those things up would open up dedicated time for me to spend with God. The thought that kept coming back to me was the idea of giving up morning talk shows. Let me be clear, I don't flip back and forth between talk shows but I watch Morning Joe everyday. Each day I come home from my run and while I'm doing my abs I flip on the TV and watch Joe & Mika get into it. I often yell back at the TV in anger because politics tend to get me fired up. I have never really thought that this was a bad thing in my life but the thought of giving it up kept nagging at me.

Monday morning I still had not committed to fasting Morning Joe. I woke up and it was bitter cold out so Doug & I headed to the gym instead of me going outside to run. Running on a treadmill may be my least favorite thing in the world. For me running is freeing, going outside seeing people, battling out the weather, praying and being alone with my thoughts . Running on a treadmill pretty much takes away everything that I love about running. I've grown to tolerate it more and mostly I've done so by learning to distract myself with intense workouts and the TV. So we get to the gym and it turns out everyone else thought staying inside for a workout was a good idea as well. I took the last treadmill available, pulled off my sweats and plugged in my headphones and started to run. The TV did not turn on. I played around with the channels and nothing happened. I pressed the power button on the remote again and nothing happened. It was 6:00, time for Morning Joe. The TV's on all the other treadmills were working fine. I thought to myself, "well, I got my answer." At that moment I decided that I would fast Morning Joe for the next 21 days.

Part of the fasting was to start off the year with a clear sense of what that year was supposed to look like. Part two of the sort of take home activities from church last week was to write down 11 things that you would expect from God this year. I was kind of taken back. I felt like it was a bit demanding to write down what I expected from God. Our Pastor went on to explain that those things you write down are things you write down in faith. They are not demands but rather great expectations from a great God. I thought this was really interesting. I have not yet written down my 11 expectations although a few have come to my head over the last three days but I'm excited about the possibilities of what 2011 holds. I look forward to looking back over these expectations next year and seeing the truth of just how amazing and great God is.

Friday's Shopping List

So here is this weeks shopping list followed by 5 dinner meals and directions. One thing to note, I've made the assumption that you have in your pantry things like pepper, salt, butter etc. Please read through the directions in case there is something you don't have. Also you do not need to eat the meals in the order that I have put them down, mix and match to find meals that fit your schedule, some meals will be quick and easy and some will take a little longer.

List:
- pecans
- walnuts
- eggs
- potatoes (1 or 2 yukon gold or russet potatoes will do)
- a bag of hearts of romaine lettuce
- dried cranberries
- goat cheese (a soft chevre will be perfect)
- large cucumber (preferably english or hot house because it has less seeds)
- container of grape or other small size tomatoes
- bunch of scallions
- block of sharp cheese (preferably white, yellow cheese is often colored to look that way)
- lemons
- orzo
- bag of frozen shrimp (you want uncooked, devined, cleaned, tail-off or easy peel but make sure it's uncooked)
- block of feta
- some kind of seafood ravioli such as crab
- heavy cream
- parm cheese (from now on I will consider this a staple)
- bag of large carrots
- honey
- head of broccoli
- 1 14 oz can of chopped tomatoes
- 1 shallot

Things to pick up on the day or within a day or so of making the meal
- tilapia (just one fillet if it's just for you or 2 if it's for you and someone else)
- one steak/chicken breast or a half pound of bacon (this is to top a salad so you just need one of these)
- 1 lbs salmon

Meal 1: Pecan crusted tilapia with mashed potatoes and carrots

Fish: finely chop a handful or two of pecans mix in some salt and pepper and put on a plate or in a shallow bowl. Rinse fish and pat dry. sprinkle fish with flour so it's covered and a little bit of salt and pepper and then dip it in one egg (take an egg and gently whisk it in a shallow bowl) then take fish and cover it with the pecans. In a pan on the stove warm some olive oil and place the fish in the pan. Cook the fish flipping once until cooked through (about 5-10 minutes depending on the size of the fish.

mashed potatoes - I'm making an assumption that everyone can make mashed potatoes but if you want some tips send me a note and I'm happy to share

carrots - peel and chop carrots into pieces that would be comfortable to eat (I would cook about 2-3 carrots per person.) fill a small bowl with just enough water to cover the carrots. Bring water and carrots to a boil and cook until just soft. Drain. Add butter, salt and pepper and some honey to taste

Meal 2: Large salad - hint: when I get home from the store the first thing I do is wash all my lettuce. I take my time soaking it and drying it and then put it in a bag so that it's easy to use the rest of the week

First: Either broil a chicken breast or bake it quickly in the oven or take a piece of steak and cook it on the stove top. If you are using bacon cook this up first. At the same time make one or two hard boiled eggs (*note I often do this at the beginning of the week too because hard boiled eggs are a great thing to have in your fridge.)

take some lettuce and break it into bite size pieces and add to a big bowl. Add half of the cucumber cut up, half of the tomatoes (sliced in half) 2 - 3 scallions sliced, sharp cheese cut into cubs and the egg. Cut into cubs or sliced. Mix with salad dressing or oil, vinegar and salt & pepper (I prefer Italian Seasons make at home dressing but you can use whatever.) Add the meat you made to the top of the salad and eat with some bread

Meal 3: Greek style orzo with shrimp

Make orzo according to directions. In the meantime thaw your shrimp and cook it over the stove top with a little olive oil and salt and pepper. Let the shrimp cool. When orzo is done, drain it and run cold water over it and set it aside. In a large bowl add the other half of the cucumber, cut in cubes, the other half of the tomatoes, sliced in half, 2-3 scallions sliced, a large handful of feta, crumbled up a tablespoon or two of olive oil (you might need to add more once it's mixed) the juice of one or two lemons (again mix and taste to see if you need more) and some salt and pepper. Add in the orzo and the shrimp and mix together.

Meal 4: Crab ravioli with a lemon cream sauce and salad

Cook the ravioli according the package.

Take some lettuce and spread it on a small plate. Sprinkle with dried cranberries, walnuts and goat cheese. Top with some sort of a balsamic/Italian dressing - set aside

Stir a 1/2 cup of heavy cream and the juice of one lemon together over medium heat to blend. Add 4 tablespoons of butter and stir until the butter is melted (about 3 minutes) add 4 tablespoons more of heavy cream and 1/2 cup of parm cheese, 1/2 teaspoon of lemon zest and some salt and pepper. Stir over low heat until the sauce thickens (a few more minutes)

Top the ravioli with the sauce and serve with the salad

Meal 5: baked salmon with broccoli

Sprinkle bottom of a 9x13 pan with olive oil. Rub the salmon in the oil so it coats both sides and sprinkle with salt & pepper. Stir the can of chopped tomatoes, the chopped shallots, 2 tablespoons of oil, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1 teaspoon of oregano, salt and pepper in a medium bowl to blend.

Spoon the tomato mixture over the salmon. Cover pan with foil and bake at 400 degrees until the salmon is just cooked through, about 25 minutes.

Fill a pan with a little bit of water and boil the broccoli until just tender. Drain and cover with butter, salt & pepper and parm cheese.

Serve with a roll

Introducting Friday's Shopping List

Yes, you are about to get two posts in one day. You're welcome :) There is a reason for this though. As you all know I am very passionate about good homemade food and believe that everyone has time to eat a healthy fresh meal at home it just takes a little time and a little planning. I know, time and planning, two things that are hard to find so here is where I come in and help you. I always have friends who tell me how they wish they could cook at home but they don't have the time or the talent and on the other hand I often have friends who have both the time and the talent but lack the recipes. Awhile back after a friend asked if I would send her some recipes I took it one step farther and planned out an entire week of easy, healthy meals for her. I wrote the recipes out and made a grocery list for her and it was a big hit. I've since been asked by other people if they too could be included in these emails and since I'm more than happy to share and help anyone who is interested in home cooked easy meals I figured I'd just go ahead and put it on my blog so it could be shared with anyone who was interested. I'm definitely a more the merrier kind of person.

So here is how it's going to work:

1. Each Friday I will post on my blog five easy dinner recipes along with the coordinating shopping list. I'm a fresh food kind of girl so don't be surprised if you follow this and your fridge goes from full on day one to empty by the end of the week. That's good, that means you have successfully cooked fresh meals and haven't let things go to waste.

2. I will say that I consider myself a flexitarian, I eat meat but it's definitely not the most dominating part of my diet so you will see lots of salads, pastas and fish on these menus.

3. I am only going to think out enough meals for five days and the reason for this is that in our busy lives I doubt that anyone can honestly say that they eat dinner at home seven nights a week. Especially when two of those nights are weekend nights.

4. I am only going to put dinner recipes on the blog however most of the dinner recipes I make I have enough leftovers to recycle and use for lunch sometime that week.

5. This list will not include other important items like snacks and fruit but if you have any questions about my favorites or would like suggestions I'd be happy to provide that.

6. I will not be putting this on the list each week but it should go without saying that you can never have enough rolls so always be sure to pick up some rolls to go with your meal.

7. I do most of my shopping at a Farmer's market, what we call Eastern Market (which has a butcher, fish stand and poultry stand) and at Trader Joes. I loathe all big box grocery stores and rarely set foot in them. It's important to remember that your food is only as good as the ingredients that you put in them so if you have time I would encourage you to go to your local farmer's market, butcher, poultry person and if I lived in Europe or NYC I would expand that to include local deli's, bakery's etc. I do not have those luxuries here in DC and I'm sure others don't even have the luxuries that I do have like a local butcher etc. so just do the best you can keeping in mind, the fresher, the better - food is not the place you want to cut costs in your budget and eating in is always cheaper than eating out.

8. Unless otherwise noted the recipes will generally be a good portion for two people with some leftovers that can be reused. It will be this way because most of the people I know are only cooking for one or two people so why would they want a recipe for four? If you are just cooking for yourself and don't want any leftovers just half the recipe and the required amounts on the grocery list. I like to eat leftovers for lunch the next day so even if I'm just cooking for me I usually cook enough for two.

If you're wondering why I'm posting this today and not tomorrow the answer is because I thought I'd get the questions and formalities out of the way so that tomorrow's post can be a clean post that only has to do with the grocery list and recipes.

I'm always happy to hear suggestions or thoughts so if you think of something that could make this weekly update more helpful please don't hesitate to let me know. The first grocery list will be posted tomorrow.

Runs with God

It was freezing outside this morning. I knew that before I even rolled over to turn my alarm off. 5:30 and pitch black out. I was warm and cozy snuggled up next to my husband and getting out of bed to put layers of clothes on and face the bitter air wasn't that appealing at the moment. I pressed snooze and laid there a bit longer contemplating if I really wanted to run or not. At this point my sleep had already been disrupted and I knew in my heart I'd be happier today if I just got myself out of bed and ran than if I gave in and went back to sleep. I begrudgingly pulled myself out of my bed and flipped the light on in the other room and suited up for the 28 degree morning.

I love my morning runs I really do and in the summer when the sun is out and warm weather awaits me the thought of skipping a run is appalling but in the winter I struggle. I hate the cold, I have raynaud's and it seems to be getting worse each year, freezing fingers, freezing toes, not my idea of a good time. On top of that I dislike the darkness, I feel vulnerable when I walk out my door onto a dark street. In the summer the light of a new day welcomes me and beckons me out the door but in the winter, the sun hasn't even peaked over the horizon by the time I've finished my run. I've been running long enough to know that once I get over the thought of removing myself from my marshmallow bed and actually get dressed and get outside that I'm always happy I did. I have great runs in the winter, I run fast and my lungs feel good to be full of cool crisp air. I feel better about myself and less depressed about winter knowing that I've still spent an hour or two outside but regardless of what I know, sometimes it takes a lot of inner coaxing to actually make myself do it. This morning was no exception.

Outside of the fact that my morning runs make me feel good and put me in a good mood the other reason I hate to miss my runs is because my morning runs are the time I spend alone with God. I pray. I pray for my family, my friends, myself, my job, my husband and my future, everything. First thing in the morning my mind is often clear, there isn't much distraction out on the roads at 5:30am and I just get to be there, running in awe of God's creation. Since I'm not very good at sitting still I've found that I focus much easier on my prayer time if I do it while I'm running. Having a conversation in my mind with God while I run makes the miles fly by and suddenly I'm home and my spirits are lifted. If I don't get my morning run in that means I miss my morning time with God and non-running days are never quite as good as running days for that reason.

It's been a rough week for both Doug & I. We were supposed to head to the gym last night but we both got home and just crashed on the couch taking turns telling each other about the many trials of our days. This morning so much of me wanted to skip that run but I didn't, I got up and headed out into the cold darkness and began my morning conversation with God. I told myself I'd just go for a short run but about 3 miles in I wasn't ready to be done. I still had a lot on my heart to pray about. I think it ended up being a 6 mile loop around my town this morning before I was ready to head in and face my day. This day has already proven to be a challenging one and how grateful I am that I chose to get up this morning and run with God.

Roasted Butternut Squash and Warm Cider Vinaigrette Salad

Well, we survived another holiday season with cakes, cookies and crab fondue. Oh how I love the holidays and then come January I'm ready to clean out my system. It's lots of salads for us over the next few weeks. Doug and I actually eat salads quite often. After heading to the gym after work we are never really hungry for a large filling meal and yet a salad with enough hearty ingredients will do the trick. On my quest to find some good salad inspiration I ran across this recipe for a salad with roasted butternut squash. Have I ever mentioned how much I love butternut squash? Since it's my favorite fall vegetable and I'm still denying the fact that we're well into winter we're definitely getting as much out of butternut squash season as we can. So I looked over the recipe made some mental changes of ingredients and set out to create what was sure to be a satisfying treat of a salad. While whisking up the dressing last night I did get a little nervous at the smell of it but once it was all put together it was definitely a heavenly treat that we will be enjoying for, well for as long as I can make the butternut squash last!

Recipe (as adapted by me - oh and in case I haven't already made it clear, my family doesn't often use measurements in recipes so my apologies in advance)

Half of one large butternut squash cut into small cubes
olive oil
maple syrup
salt
pepper
dried cranberries
apple juice
apple cider vinegar
shallot
mustard
walnuts
goat cheese
arugula

Put the butternut squash in a bowl, toss the squash with olive oil, maple syrup, salt & pepper (you should only need a tablespoon or two of olive oil and no more than a tablespoon of syrup.) Spread out on a pan and put in the oven at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes take the squash out, stir it around on the pan add a handful of cranberries and put back in the oven for 5 more minutes.

In the meantime begin toasting a handful of walnuts (you can do this in the oven or on the stove top and just toast until you start to smell the flavor)

In a saucepan mix about 1/3 cup of apple juice, 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and a tablespoon of shallots. Bring to a boil and let the mixture reduce by about half and remove from the heat. Add about 1/4 cup of olive oil, some salt, pepper and a half a teaspoon of dijon mustard. Whisk well.

Take the arugula and put it in a bowl, mix in the butternut squash and toasted walnuts. Pour a bit of the dressing over the top and stir. You want the salad to be coated but no soaked in dressing. Sprinkle goat cheese over the top and mix well. Serve immediately.

(loosely adopted from a recipe from the barefoot contessa)

Deli's and pasta's and sauces

We spent a few days of our vacation last week home in Connecticut. Whenever I go home there are four things that I just MUST have, a NY style bagel, good pizza, real Italian cookies & cannoli and a true deli sandwich. Each time I go home I return fantasizing about what it would be like to have my own little deli here in DC.

As a self proclaimed food snob I'm just going to go ahead and say that the bagels here are awful, the pizza leaves a lot to be desired, finding anything that even remotely resembles Italian cookies is a waste of time and that hunting down a deli sandwich is like searching for a needle in a haystack. Yes, for the record, I eat at Taylor Gourmet all the time and adore their sandwiches and the amazing bread that they get from Philly each day but it's still not a deli.

The deli's I grew up with are like little sandwich shops where you can also pick up some fresh pasta and homemade sauce for dinner that night. Or you could grab some stuffed mushrooms and grill them out that night. Everything was fresh and delicious. It was like a one stop shop, there was bread, cookies, made to order sandwiches, deli meat, ground beef, pasta salads, fresh pasta, sauces and some drinks. Nothing fancy but all natural and delicious. The owners always knew their customers and it was like running into family every time you went in.

I have a perfect little spot picked out for my deli, I have a name and people who would love to shop there unfortunately I just don't have the funding for it so for now it remains a glimmer of hope in my life. At the same time, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. Each time we start driving on 95 south my belly full of bagels and pizza I think to myself, "man it's a good thing I don't live here anymore or I'd need to start running twice as far."

Here's to good food and big dreams.