PTSD

PTSD, sometimes I think I'm done with it and then sometimes I'm just not. When I first began struggling with PTSD I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I would be in situations where I suddenly felt trapped, my head began to spin and then I couldn't breathe. I would shake and it would hurt to breathe deeply and it would last for seconds or minutes or hours. Typically if I could escape the room I was in or the situation I was in I was able to calm down with some space and some cold water on my face.

Sometimes the PTSD would come at night. I would wake up with sweat dripping down my body. For people who know me you know I don't sweat. I don't sweat when it's 100 degrees out with 99% humidity so waking up with sweat on my body could only mean one thing. After a cold shower I would typically be able to go back to sleep often unaware of what set it off.

As I've gotten older and more removed from my former life my PTSD has shown itself less and less frequently almost to the point where I tend to forget that I ever struggled with it. Last night Doug and I were both exhausted and ready turn in. We got in bed and Doug turned on some program on PBS about methamphetamine's. The show was interesting and so I began watching it. About twenty minutes into it I felt my chest get tight and it became difficult to breath. A familiar feeling but one that hadn't happened in a long time. I rolled over, Doug felt my rough breathing and quickly changed the channel willing me out of the direction I was heading in. It worked, the episode was short and eventually I fell into a peaceful sleep.

I continue to be grateful that my episodes are few and far between often short now but the fact that they happen at all are a constant reminder that its all still there, it was real, it happened and I lived through it all and yet I'm still here standing.

CASA Fairfax

Ever since I ran my first marathon I've never really had a desire to run shorter races. I love the challenge of a marathon and the distance and the endurance and the training that goes into it. I love everything about Marathons. The one race I run each year that's not a marathon is the Army Ten Miler (ATM) but it's typically structured around my marathon training plan and therefore I never really race it all out. Since the National Marathon I've been having fun experimenting with these shorter race distances.

The first one was the Parkway 10 miler which I already blogged about. Then, last Friday Doug and I ran a 5k on Friday after work. It was fun. It was Doug's first race and I was so excited for him and proud of him for running the whole thing. We ran together and I chatted away passing the miles, after we went and celebrated with the post race happy hour at Jaleo in Crystal City. The next morning I ran a 10k in Fairfax.

My friend Heather had sent me an email a few weeks before asking if I wanted to run this 10k because it was for a good cause (CASA Fairfax.) I looked at my calendar and said sure, why not. So I signed up. Still excited about my great 10 mile finish I was anxious to see how the 10k would go. Heather encouraged me to run all out so I started the run with her and then went on my way. At first there were a lot of girls in front of me but I just kept to my pace and picked them off one by one. It was a little difficult for me to gauge the course and how far we were because I was not at all familiar with the area and because of the hills I wasn't sure how much to leave in the tank. One by one I passed every girl I saw and suddenly there were no more girls around me to pass. I had about two miles to go so I just kept my head down and kept pushing it out. I crossed the finish line in just over 46 minutes. I paced a 7:27 mile and felt great. I even felt like I could have pushed a little more but I'm still learning about how to run these shorter races. Heather did great too pacing an 8:05 mile. We stayed for the awards and it turned out I placed 4th out of all the girls and 1st in my division. A nice gift certificate to sports authority was my prize. It was really fun to run well and finish fast and I'm looking forward to trying out an even faster pace in the months ahead.