Life's a funny thing and you can't bring yourself to face it if you want to

The title of this post come from the lyrics of the Stroke 9 song California. I love this song.

I was standing in the shower the other day, water running down my face, I closed my eyes and this flash of memories came over me. I felt my chest get tight in a way it hasn't in a long time. Not so many years ago this was a normal everyday occurrence in my world. My life was so different then than it is now. My mind was constantly turning, over and over and over again. Thoughts, memories, moments all there haunting me each day. My phone would ring and I would have to pick it up. If the person calling didn't leave a message I would begin to hyperventilate while calling back, sure there was an emergency that I had to attend to. Oh life, it's funny that way.

I often ignore phone calls these days, I leave messages on my phone for weeks before checking them. No one is dying and my life is simple. PTSD is a thing of the past and sometimes I can even bring myself to watch movies or shows involving drugs and suicide without needing to leave the room and run cold water over me. The reality of my life is just so different than it once was and yet it's still my life. It's these things that have made me into the person that I am and yet most people in my life today don't know anything about that life.

I sometimes feel as though I'm two people, the me who was before and the me who is now and I don't think I do a good job of reconciling the two. I keep the two very separate. Maybe everyone does. Maybe it's an extension of survival mode, when it's all over and you've finally healed maybe it all just fades away. Maybe, but then in those moments in the shower it's like it's all still there. Ready to haunt me at a moments notice. To permanently forget those things would be to lose the person I've become since these are the things that shaped me but to keep them so close is to hurt all over again. Where's the balance? How do you know when you've found it? Thoughts?

I'll see you on the way down
Life's a funny thing and you can't bring yourself to face it if you want to
Now I shake here
For your sake dear
-California, Stroke 9-